Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
