just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
