Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
