Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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