my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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