ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Operation Purity has been aborted
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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