I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
