I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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