I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
