My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
