It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
