They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
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I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
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I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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