I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
