Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
