The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
pray to the hookup gods
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
