Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
