My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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