yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.