There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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