oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
New Dating App in Dallas For Only The Most Ambitious and Attractive Singles
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
