when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
