So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
