Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize