i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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