Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
