You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
