Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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