oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
