so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
