The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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