paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
