I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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