maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
