hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
