i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
