quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
