What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
