I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
