think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
