Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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