I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I want to make a zoo with you.
I think I won the penis lottery.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
