Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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