If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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