I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
