I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Be still, my beating vagina.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
