I wish my penis had an off switch
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
