I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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