Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
