how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
