Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
