i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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