a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I love you. Go after that dick