You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
