yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
