Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
