Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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