$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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