Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
