I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
