It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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