what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
my shit smells like andre
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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