How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
