He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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