I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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